Thank you so much for understanding Achu. You are right when you say you're asking a lot from me when you want us to settle down in your village. And even though I would selflessly defend you and try to convince you otherwise, there is always going to be a small little yearning inside my head. Because all my life I've only lived in a city. I have always been at walk-able distance from everything: super markets, shopping malls, railway stations. And I love being in a city. I love taking the bus, I love fighting with auto walas, I love shopping and I love going to fancy restaurants. There are some big 5star hotels here and also some small eat outs. There is always something to do, someone to meet, someplace to be at or something new to try. You know how we keep complaining that we have no free time to even sleep peacefully? Secretly, everyone who lives like this must find it very pumping, it adds some sort of an action element to their lives, some purpose. That's why they never leave. They never leave the city for too long. It is like an addiction. That is also why I'm growingly unsure about how I'll deal without all this noise and crowd and happening-ness.
Well, I'm guessing its going to be really quiet over there. Even during the day. May be with some pretty birds and sweet grass and fresh air. I will find it very nice and relaxing for the first few days, may be even a month. After that? I'm definitely going to start craving some city-ness, even just the sheer feeling of it. What will I do with my free time then? I mean I've never taken a mofussil bus to go into the city for anything. I've sort of lived in the city. And I probably have never done most of the stuff you do with habitual ease. Like waking up super early and taking a bath in the river, sleeping before 10pm or even swimming for instance, it is your second nature, but people pay and take classes here, in my city. Sometimes I tell myself, I'm only a hyper youngster who wants all of this now and may be 4-5 years down the lane, I will want to settle down and do less of this and more of setting up a family for myself. By then most of my friends will be married, so I guess I'll get into the groove of it too. I won't have anyone to be wild with. We'll all have families of our own and crazy wives and husbands getting on to our nerves. So I may be okay with it. Okay with getting my own base camp.
Even otherwise, that's how a girl's life is supposed to be, no? She is supposed to leave behind everything she grew up building for herself since she was a girl and go be someone else's wife and pretend like that is what she wants. Sure, every girl wants a car, house, curtains, plants, dogs, kids and a husband. But I don't think any girl would like to leave her parents or siblings if she had a choice. Especially if she came from a family like mine where we do almost everything together. So much that sometimes we dog-pile and tickle the youngest and burst into laughter. I can't imagine a day without them. I mean I can't even write these lines without going through the agony of imagining it. I really don't have a clue as to what I'll do when I do actually get married. I'll probably sit down and cry like a baby holding onto the diwan in my hall. You may have to drag me out. But then all that is for a future day. Right now, thanks. Thanks for understanding that I have a life too, a family and a lifetime of memories too.
Thanks for not being regular and telling me that I have to leave home some day anyway and that it is my destiny. Usually that's what happens, people NEVER realize how a girl's life is practically over once she is married. It never occurs to them at all. It is a girl's obligation by default to leave her family and all that she grew up with, just to be some man's wife and many-a-times mean nothing to him and have no respect in his house. Sure, we all say that we'll continue to do the things that interest us and our men say that they'll find time to spend with us even after we're married and that nothing will change. But then how many times have you seen your mom read her favorite book in the middle of the night with a bowl of maggi? Or your dad climbing into the house through the balcony because he was drunk and scared of knocking the door? You haven't. Because she has to wake up at 5 to get you a decent breakfast and lunch. And he cannot risk falling with an important meeting scheduled this week which could bring him an increment. That's what happens. We grow up and embrace more and more responsibilities and we make space for them like how we remove the older, less used apps on our smart phones - we cut down on our hobbies and interests.
Sigh.
I know it sounds really sad and tiring. But it can't be that bad, can it? I mean so many people got out of it alive and happy. They must have found something right, something worth sticking to. I could get there too, to my happily ever after, if I search hard enough, be open about everything else that I will gain, like the first words of my child, the undivided love of a family - my family, and then if I never lose hope that I'm going to find it..find the
balance that makes every loss worth while, I just might.
--- The End ---
Jan 2014
