When he breaks your heart, thank him.

It is very very rare (in fact, so rare that it happens only in Gautam Menon movies) that you find “the right guy” at first shot, chase after him, marry him and live happily ever after. There is always one guy in between (read girl if appropriate) who screws it up for us. He will first sweep you off your feet and then leave you hanging while he remembers how in fact, you are not his type. *eye-roll* That bastard! Worse if he said it over the phone or text. What a load of emotions crap your brain for the first few months making you miserable and pathetic! My own wretched, post break-up days were no different. I had consistently puffy eyes, my kajal was always smeared over my face, the innumerous coffees I used to have, to clear my head, all tasted like slush, my friends were always trying to tell me how I deserved better, my ex stopped picking up my calls and he probably even blocked me on Whatsapp. Well shit happens.

But it’s alright, because it was all quite uphill after that. Once I was tired of mourning over my buried relationship, I went into the phase where you dissect every damn thing and try to figure what went wrong. I ran and re-ran our every conversation through my head at least a gazillion times and it only became more obvious every time I did that because I finally pinned down why we didn’t work out. He had certain expectations as to how his girlfriend should be and day after day I toiled hard to fit into that image. But every now and then I slipped, and did something that he didn’t approve of. Somehow deep down, he never really forgave me for those lapses. (Even though I abundantly apologized to him every time and took care to never repeat it.) To him, if I could do it once, I could do it again. And incompatibility is something I couldn’t change even in an eternity together.

Once I received that enlightenment, I wore my forbidden clothes and went into the tandoori-chicken-for-the-soul phase where I did whatever I could to make myself feel better and get out of that black hole I put myself in. I went dancing; I ate every damn thing put on a plate in front of me and I drank till the lights went out. I called all my guy best friends (I previously wasn’t allowed to you see, because my ex strongly believed that only skanks talk to other boys!); I sang carnatic music loudly at night and stopped worrying about my weight. I literally did whatever the hell pleased me and didn’t care who it upset. During this sacred ritual of self-pampering I learned some things that actually changed my life. I even discovered so many silly things. I didn’t know until then that I wanted to be with someone who watched Hollywood movies and sitcoms like I did so that he’ll pick up all the references I made. I wanted someone who spoke English fluently because I express myself best in l’anglais and my ex who wasn’t that fluent, never got me most of the time. I found out I liked wearing shorts better than full pants. I found out I wanted someone who could make me laugh and that my maaaarvelous sense of humor (Oh, I am pretty hilarious alright) is sometimes just not enough to keep it going for two people. I learned that I could never be happy being a girly girl and that my tomboyishness is not a phase I’d grow out of. Most important of all I learned that only love isn’t enough to hold a relationship together because even though love is the most important thing in the world, it is kind of inadequate on its own. We think that patient persistent love will solve all the world’s problems, and that it will change how our boyfriends treat us or make them choose us over the India-Srilanka ODI. Eh, No. Regrettably love is only ‘one’ of the 3 things that make a relationship work (the other 2? trust and compatibility yo). Love definitely makes the whole thing better but none of these 3 can compensate for the other. The failure to understand this is what leads to successful-in-love-but-suck-at-marriage divorces. We have got to stop thinking that the recipe to a good tasty relationsoup is 2 cups of love + 1 cup of trust + 1 cup of compatibility some more love (because love is obviously way cheaper). ‘Cause it aint.

There can be a little give and take in the relationship but don’t agree to compromise on the basics, because no matter how small and insignificant we think they are, there are some things about ourselves that we just cannot (in fact we shouldn’t) change.

As of me, I promise that in all the youthful years I am about to spend with my sparkly new compatible boyfriend, I shall take time every now and then in between dancing (to second hand jawaani) and watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S (for the 45732nd time) to thank my ex for letting me go. Amma kasam.

15 Mar 2015