Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing - Book Review

Picking up the Matthew Perry memoir was a no-brainer for me, for 2 reasons:

1. Chandler Bing was my favourite character on FRIENDS. I was like any other FRIENDS fan greedy for more tidbits and BTS stories about his character, the other leads and the show in general.

2. I had a curiosity about Matthew Perry, the man behind the Chandler mask, in particular I wanted to try and understand his addictions.

I've read a couple of lifestories, biographies, memoirs, the genre and from what I've seen, even in an autobiography, the authors tend to present to you only the best versions of themselves. The most perfect version of themselves so you'd get to know them and their lives with fondness. I imagine I would do the same thing, when we are nostalgic we paint our favourite memories with a rose tint. But this book took me by surprise. Matthew Perry (MP) has laid out his life and thoughts, bared himself like nothing else I've ever seen. Listening to this audiobook was like having access to somebody's secret self, their inner monologue. Atleast in my case that's where I'm most honest, THIS honest. It felt like he held back no parts of himself under the veil of privacy and that took me by surprise. It made me feel a tad nervous and strange. I wondered, "Is this much honesty allowed?"

I love listening to audiobooks narrated by the authors themselves. I feel then I get to read/hear the book in the exact same tone it was intended by them. When I started this book, I winced a little because MP at 50+ years old did not sound like the young and timeless Chandler Bing at all. His speech was slurred and it took me a little to get used to older, sicker MP's voice. It quickly grew on me though and soon felt warm and friendly, like listening to someone I knew closely. 

The first half of the book had me hooked. I was pulled into it like a magnet to iron. I was only one chapter in and I already thought it was among the best books I've ever read. I got through the first half of the book in one sitting. I haven't quite done that in a long long time. The only reason I stopped even then was because I wanted to slow this experience down, stretch it out and make it last. It was the first time looking at the "time left" on my audiobook made me visibly sad because I didn't want this audiobook to end at all. 

His writing is poetic, funny, witty, honest, had a beautiful sense of direction (in the beginning) which made the story telling excellent. How could one write so well? How can one be so unpretentious, funny, detached yet completely present, sincere and real about their deepest feelings and regrets, even their most painful memories?

As the title says this book is about the show FRIENDS, his friends, his lovers and the big terrible thing- his addictions. I got a very detailed insight into his addictions to drugs, alcohol and nicotine. I found myself clutching my chest with sorrow for him every now and then because I had the misfortune of reading this book after his death which meant throughout the book, even the good parts I always knew this one didn't have a happy ending. I had very little understanding of addictions and my empathy for people suffering from them has grown multifold now after this book. 

The storyline jumps back and forth in time which eventually got harder to keep track of because there were friends and lovers and addiction stories which kept coming and going sometimes with the same characters making reappearances or were they similar characters? The repetitive incidences with his relapses and sobriety were also starting to mash together in my head towards the last quarter of the book. I was beginning to lose count. I have to mention, the editing of this book was very poorly done because I noticed he repeated some stories and lines towards the end. I kept looking at the audiobook player wondering if I accidentally replayed an earlier chapter. I'm assuming from his own retelling, that this book was written over a long period of time with lots of breaks in between which may have caused MP to lose track. However this is a job for the editing team and I felt like they may have let this book down. I wonder if it could've been less loopy and more free flowing with better editing and honest feedback to the author in the initial stages of proofreading.

Nevertheless I do not regret spending 9 hours on this book. I have learnt a great deal about so much and I'm immeasurably inspired by his matter-of-fact acceptance of his life, narcissism, choices, money, addictions, fame, shortcomings, feelings and everything else he's written about. I found him to be endearing, incredibly brave and utterly simple in his core. I started reading this book with the intention of finding out more about Chandler Bing and the guy who played him. I honestly ended up liking MP more than I expected. He is way more interesting and fascinating than Chandler because Chandler was a character and he was played to perfection. He was given a character arc and he found redemption in the end. But not MP. I found his story to be a lot more wholesome, characterful and scarred, mistakes n all, the real deal. 

- 03 Jan 2025

Little Kindnesses of Women

I'm planning my honeymoon trip last minute. I call my bestfriend to tell her. She is so happy, she tells me her Polaroid camera is mine to take and that she'll pack me some farsan and bhata (food you carry while you travel). I tell another friend, and she has called me home to give me all her nice accessories, 6 different sunglasses and even arranged for her mom to show me earring options if I wanted. On the day I have to leave, my bestfriend's food parcel arrives, neatly packed with cute notes and definitely packed with more quantity than I asked for, along with an extra box of my favourite dish to eat in the airport if I get hungry. And rightly as predicted, I polish the box off before I make it to boarding. ❤️

I'm back from the trip and it is almost the end of the month. My sister tells me she needs to buy another birthday outfit. I ask her what happened to the last one? She casually says I gave it to you for your honeymoon photoshoot. I'm horrified. Why didn't you tell me it was new and that you were saving it for your birthday? She simply says if I did, you wouldn't have taken the dress with you and gotten such beautiful pictures. I'm speechless. She says now help me pick another one. ❤️

I tell myself Indian women are unmatched in their love, they're the best.

It is lunch time, I'm onboard. I'm stood deciding whether to take Basmati rice or sticky rice onto my plate. Cindy (Cinderella) my crew walks in and she's wearing beautiful beige corduroy bottoms which look like the picture of comfort. I tell her I'm obsessed with her pants. She confirms they're indeed very comfortable, we chat for a bit and then go on to eat lunch at our respective tables. Next morning I'm at the mess room again, drinking tea and asking my crew about their jobs while Cindy walks in with a pair of black corduroy pants in her hands saying she has another pair of those comfy pants that I really liked and asked if I wanted to try them. She says "it has some elastic at the waist, you should try it Chief and if it fits you, you should take it". I tell her but I'm not even close to your size and we laugh. I'm so touched. ❤️

It is a bright, chilly morning in Antwerp, Belgium. I've gotten permission to go ashore. After an unexpected visit from the port authorities in the morning, I'm running to my cabin to shower and get ready. I shout out to my Chinese cadet on the way to fill up my water bottle too. A few hours later, we're on the road and I'm thirsty, I take a sip and the water is very warm and not what I expected. I make a face. She sees me and says "Chief iss very cold ousside you know, you needa drink hot-uh wat-ur, not cold-uh wat-ur. Iss no good for you" 

*dismissive hand action*

I have zero complaints after that ❤️

It is a hot day in Lagos, Nigeria. We've already finished 4 ship-to-ship operations, with 2 more to go. The routine has become so tiring and machine-like. There has been very little rest interspersed in between way too much action. I had skipped breakfast that day because we were called in an hour early. When I came back later to grab a toast and some tea, I noticed a small packet of 4 biscuits. I ripped it open in hunger and was pleasantly surprised by the sweet and salty, midly spicy and herby taste. It was fantastic. I turned the packet around to find it was made in Bangladesh, even though the taste was so familar to me I assumed it was Indian. I made a mental note to ask my Bangladeshi Engine Cadet about it. When I ask her later, she is so happy that I would like a simple biscuit so much. I tell her it reminds me of Maska Chaska. Few days later she catches me on the staircase and hands me 7-8 more packets saying "ma'am I want you to have this". I refuse instantly, she is a cadet, a child. Ofcourse I couldn't take from her. I tell her she's going to stay longer onboard and she would need it more than me. She asks me not to worry and thrusts them into my palms with a smile. She says please have it for me, it will make me happy ❤️

I walk down with all the biscuit packets in my hand when I run into the Bangladeshi Fifth Engineer coming back from the Engine Room. She recognises the biscuits and asks me, I tell her what happened with the Engine Cadet and how grateful I was for all the love. She is amused, she only listens and smiles the whole time. Later I find another 6-7 packets of the biscuit left quietly on my table, this time from the Fifth Engineer who says she wanted to give me some too ❤️

I'm starting to think it's an Asian women thing.

I've barely been onboard 2 weeks. One day I notice 2nd officer's different looking beverage mug. I ask her about it. She shows me with excitement how it has an attached tea strainer and I'm thoroughly impressed with the design. I quickly search for it on Amazon but cannot find it. She hands over duty to me and goes down to rest in her cabin. A few minutes later, she is back with her phone in her hand, asking me to pick a color. I see the same mug on the screen on a shopping website. I say- but how do I get it? I don't live in the Philippines. She says she'll order it to her house and have it Dunzo-ed to anyone who is joining next from Manila to bring it onboard. Before I could politely say no I don't want to be of any trouble, she has already placed the order. We don't even know when the next crew change might happen, but the kindness in her didn't need all that information. I tell her I need more things from the website just so she won't refuse my money when I pay. ❤️

It's after dinner. I've eaten something wrong and I have severe indigestion. I have terrible nausea and stomach pain followed by diarrhoea throughout the night. I cannot catch even a few undisturbed minutes of sleep except when I'm resting on the toilet waiting for the next wave to hit. The next morning I'm given a sick day and told to rest. My Chinese cadet at lunch time, texts me full sentences asking about my "abdominal pain and distension"- using words I know that she doesn't yet have in her very limited vocabulary. She is using Google translate to enquire about my health and talk to me. ❤️

We are all in the recreation room talking about silly, random, happy, good things while listening to our fellow Filipino crew singing karaoke. When we talk about weight, I mention I have PCOS and my Third Engineer asks me what it means. I explain it to her to the best of my ability. She is very sympathetic. A few days later she is at my doorstep with a yogurt container. I'm confused. She opens it and it is actually filled with flax seeds, not yogurt. She tells me she read online about PCOS and learnt that seed cycling helps, so she brought what she had with her to share with me. She gives me instructions on how to consume it and checks with me every now and then if I've started ❤️

Dawn is breaking and morning light is slowly flooding into the previously pitch dark wheelhouse. I can now see the shape of an unusual little glass bottle on the chart table. My chief-officer-ears perk up 'was somebody drinking alcohol from a sample bottle on duty?' I go closer to pick it up and it says "Katinko oil" on the label, "used for all pains and aches. Made in the Philippines". I open the bottle and take in the smell, a familiar note hits my nose- Axe oil. It smells so similar to axe oil and all the other menthol oils that my family is addicted to and I've grown fond of. I tell my cadet about it. She asks my permission to go down and bring her own version of it, a Chinese pain relief oil. My Filipino third officer, the owner of the Katinko oil bottle has also joined us on the bridge. We exchange our balms and oils with eachother giggling at this guilty pleasure. My third officer without a second thought tells me she would leave me her bottle when she signs off in a few days, because I said I liked it and it reminded me of home. ❤️

So many different women, all with the same thread of love and kindness innately woven into their beings. I've seen this quality over and over again in the women around me, across ages. They tap into this natural ability to be kind and beautiful without any prompt, any cue. If they see you enjoy something, they'll stock more of it at home. If they know you like a particular color, they will video call you from the store when they see something they think will look nice on you. They will cook you your favourite food and remember things that are important to you. They will excite with you and worry with you. Women are the gold standard. Women make this world an infinitely better place. ❤️